For months now, I have been trying to gain respect from a couple of individuals. I have been doing all the “right” things. Or so I thought. Apparently it hasn’t been the right things because it hasn’t been working.
It’s not like I knew what I was doing. I mean – I didn’t realise until tonight that my aim was respect. I thought I was trying to do my bit for advocacy. Participate in some kind of life outside my own house. Be a good citizen.
Truth is I guess – I was trying to do all those things – but in order to get where I wanted to be, I needed their respect. And it has never come. I have had their politeness (for the most part *sigh*), but they don’t respect me any more than they respect any other stranger on the internet.
LMAO – another realisation just occurred to me – not everyone lives the life I do. Most people get out and about. I rely on the internet for most of my social interaction – most people (including these that I am discussing) have jobs and a social life outside in the real world. I really am just another random internet fuckwit to them. And so it should be I guess – much as that sucks for me!
Well, I was going to write about how I figured out that all this time, I was trying to get to a certain place, and the whole while, I kept wondering what I have been doing wrong, and tonight I realised that I haven’t done anything wrong – other than continually wonder what I am doing wrong. I’ve had the thought before that I need to just do what I do and leave the chips fall where they may – that I have been too impatient. Not that I haven’t had good reason to be impatient – the scare has passed, and I am fine, but for nearly a year now, there have been indications that my life span was considerably shorter. As in – possible that I could die within a few years. Like I said, it was a scare, and indications now are that I’m fine 🙂 But it did place an urgency on things for me.
I know that I continually bleat on about it (the “it” is coming…), and I know that some people hate blogs that bleat on – but honestly – I use my writing to help gather my thoughts (as witnessed above lol), and share my pain so that others may not feel so alone. There are plenty of feel good blogs around (though most that I have read are written by hypocrites – which is the reason they annoy me so much).
My apologies for that insertion. If I could be positive all the time, I would, honestly. Some days I think “if only they knew how much I DON”T go on with some things” 😉
Anyway – the “it”… I don’t fit in to this world. I don’t. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Continually, advice comes forth that I should have goals. My disability services coordinator has even given me a book to fill out about what goals I have etc. I have done all the leadership courses and what have you. I get goal setting. I have goals! My problem is that no one can tell me how to achieve them. It has taken me months to work out that I need the respect of these particular people mentioned above, however I have no idea how to get it. And I have no idea what to do with it once I DO have it.
I can get by with superfluous social interactions, however anything deeper and I’m a lost lamb. Along, cold, and usually terrified.
And completely clueless.
It’s all so terribly frustrating. Not to mention exhausting as my brain continually tries to come up with elusive solutions.
Most days I like Aspergers, because I AM Aspergers, and I like who I am. I am kind, and funny, and intelligent, and quite often ingenious.
But sometimes – FUCK Aspergers and the way that it holds me back!!! And fuck this world, where very rarely does it matter more how hard you work or how good you are, rather than how adept you are at social interactions (and your ability to participate in them in person).
I need to learn to be content with my limitations. I will, I promise. But I am nowhere near capable of it just yet. I’m too mad with it all.