Any good shrink can tell you that someone with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) will disassociate when things get tough. Disassociation is when reality goes stage left and all of a sudden you feel like you are in a movie, or a whole other world. It’s some freaky shit, considering no drugs are involved!
It is particularly prevalent when someone has Complex-PTSD (Complex PTSD is usually a description given to long-term childhood trauma – basically PTSD from having a fucked up parent or two or some such thing).
I disassociate on a regular basis.
It’s hard to describe really, but when it happens, it’s like, you could swear that all of a sudden the world just isn’t real. It’s like some higher power is playing a cruel joke on you or something. It makes the movie The Matrix seem completely SANE.
Not to be outdone by – well – anything, I take all of this one step further and disassociate deliberately at times. This is different in that I close my eyes and imagine myself elsewhere. It isn’t like normal imagination though – I go so into myself, that my body actually reacts as though I am actually there. I can end up hot, cold, or if I’m not careful and end up somewhere in my past and scared, I “wake up” with my heart beating and my adrenaline pumping like I am really back there!
I can also use this for good too – I can imagine myself anywhere, and it really is like I’m really there.
Here is where the Aspergers comes into it (other than the question of just how much of this is due to C-PTSD and how much is due to being Aspie – it’s hard to tell when I have both.) – Aspies quite often feel emotions more intensely right? That isn’t any secret. Usually it’s associated with bad emotions (meltdowns etc), but it also works for good emotions. I find music is a good trigger for me (for both good and bad emotions).
So right now, I am suicidal, and it’s pretty bad. I am staying up and listening to music and closing my eyes and imaging myself in the life I want to actually be living. It’s nice there. I can dance and sing and live somewhere that is close to shops and parks and people.
Unfortunately I open my eyes every now and then and reality hits again and I end up crying. For the most part though, I get to escape for a while.
I don’t want to go to bed tonight. I had a dream last night (my dreams are ultra intense too) where I had just bought a unit with the view of a city. It was a small unit, but nice and new and accessible. There were lots of shops on the street downstairs, like a bakery and stuff. It had a real community feel to it. I was really happy there.
Then I woke up. And the reality of just how alone I really am hit me yet again. So tonight, I am listening to music and going back there in my imagination.
I really wish I could stop crying. It’s not like there are any accessible solutions to any of my problems. Solutions sure, heaps of them, but none of them realistically accessible. So there’s really no point in getting all worked up about it. Regardless – I just can’t be “here” anymore. It’s too much! Everything is all FUBAR, and it’s all too much! One way or another I need to go away for a while, and as I can’t physically go anywhere, and I don’t want to die really, I have to retreat inwards and block out the world.
Ever seen a child with ASD in a corner rocking? Same shit.
Edited to add –> I guess I should put in the number for Lifeline –> 13 11 14 – for in case this has triggered you in some way.
Alternately (if talking to someone on the phone doesn’t work for you), listen to some music (without disassociating 😉 ) I recommend…