So, anyone who really knows me knows that I am (as much as I can be), a disability advocate. Obviously, being stuck in a rural area, and at home, limits my options, but I try to piss off politicians online as much as I can, and contribute my thoughts, feelings and writing to as many online conversations as I can.
Today, I have just found that someone that I considered an online “far away friend” (as in, someone who knows who I am and what I am about, and likes me, but not someone who private messages me for a chat), has organised an online event on disability – and I am not invited. (Note: it is a public invitation and I could go anyway, but as so many were invited, I’d feel as though I was “pushing in” where I wasn’t really wanted you know? I’d rather start SIing again rather than turn up to an event, even an online one, where I am not invited. I don’t expect calligraphy or gold embossing – just reassurance that I am actually wanted. I never know.)
Possibly he doesn’t consider me a friend in the same way that I consider him. Possibly he only invited the types of friends that he would have a private chat with. Possibly he just ticked the first 50 names that popped up. Possibly possibly possibly. There are a thousand possibilities and I get that.
Intellectually I do get that.
Emotionally, I am devastated-ish.
I wonder if I have done something to offend him. Have I said something, or not said something? Have I said the wrong thing or said the right thing the wrong way?
Does he consider me stupid? Worthless? Not worth the trouble? Too much of a pain in the arse?
Does he think that because I’m just “at home” that I have nothing to contribute? Have I not “earned my stripes” yet?
I have a thousand questions. Mainly they all boil down to “why”.
Thankfully I get that I can’t ask lol… It would be rude to ask and put him in an uncomfortable position no matter what the answer is. If I wasn’t damn sure he doesn’t read my blog, I wouldn’t even be writing about it. And if any of you have cottoned on – please don’t mention it. I don’t want this to be “a thing”. It’s not “a thing” to anyone but me.
It’s “a thing” to me because I don’t get it. I take this shit personally on an emotional level, even as intellectually I am quite capable of saying, and believing, that a) it’s probably nothing and b) even if it is something, I haven’t done anything wrong so meh, whatever and c) even if he does think badly of me, then that is his problem (because I haven’t done anything wrong) and in that case, he isn’t who I thought he is and he can get fucked.
Intellectually I get all that.
Yet, after a lifetime of not fitting in, and not “getting it” – it seems I still don’t fit in, and I still don’t get it, and I really wish I could do both. With the added clarification of things such as invitations when others get them, that is so desperately needed until I learn “the rules”.
Really, I am not trying to be a prissy little bitch.
I may have Autism/Aspergers, and I may like my space a lot of the time, and I may not “get it” – but I still want to be included. I still want to feel wanted and needed. I still want people to say “hey, I like you, come over here and play with us – it’s OK!!!”. I still want all those things.
Fucked however, if I know what to do about getting them.