Note: I am writing this here for easy access for my medical professionals to read up on what is going on, and how I feel at the time in case it all gets hazy later on. I’m OK! I mean, I know I WILL be OK 🙂 I’ve been here before – twice in fact.
So, my psych and GP thought it would be a good idea for me to try an anti-depressant again. My SUDS have been way too high for way too long, and we need to get them back down again so that I can start to work on stuff and be a functioning human being. Thing is… I tend to have a bad time on psych drugs. So we have tried something different.
I took one pill Friday night. Within about an hour, I was as tired as I have ever been, which was great because I have been having trouble getting to sleep.
Saturday, I woke up about ten. I was up for a few hours before crashing again. While I was up, the world felt weird. Everything was in slow motion. Everything felt like it’s in a parallel universe that I could see, but not touch (and it still feels like that). I slept on and off all afternoon, finally waking up (per se) about seven. I was awake for about five hours.
In the morning, I had breakfast pretty much straight away (something else that has been difficult – usually it takes me about two hours to have breakfast because I feel nauseous when I first wake up). I ate well during the day, considering how very little I was awake.
I didn’t have any pain medication all day yesterday, except for two lots of aspirin for my migraines. I didn’t have any other medication at all.
Today, I woke up about nine, and stayed awake for about three hours. I had breakfast very quickly again (within half an hour of getting up). I had aspirin, but no pain meds. Around midday, I went back to bed, and an hour later, I started to get restless legs. It got unbelievably bad, so I had some pain meds. About an hour later, it stopped, and I could get back to sleep again. FYI – Restless legs is a sign of physical dependency on codeine – hence having some even though I wasn’t really in pain at that point.
I have just woken up (8pm), save for ten minutes here and there to break up an argument over Minecraft (lmao).
Needless to say – I am sleeping a LOT.
This whole time, I have also had the weird out of this world experience. It is slowly getting better (I feel better now than I did this morning, and better this morning than I did yesterday), but still, I feel suicidal (again, less so now than yesterday, and I imagine, less so again tomorrow). It’s like – part of my brain is saying “I want off, NOW”. Not to fear – another part of my brain is saying “Grow a set princess, it’ll be over soon enough”. I know it will pass, but fucking hell… it really does feel like shit in the meantime.
I feel like I will never be normal again. I feel like everything will be fuzzy forever. I feel like there is no hope, like I’m broken, like I’m worthless as a human. I feel like reaching through my eye sockets and tearing my brain out! I feel like cutting – anything, anywhere. I feel like dying is my only way out. Which is weird, because two days ago, I was stressed (who wouldn’t be in my shoes!?!), but fine!
And god damn, it’s hard to keep my eyes open.
It’s also hard to walk – I’m walking around like I’m tipsy – 48 hours later. Amazing what one little pill can do to your system. I’ve stumbled into most of the house now – thankfully we live in a small house with not too many breakables! It’s all good though – because I also can’t stand for more than about 30 seconds without feeling like I am going to throw up and/or just collapse where I am.
I feel nauseous most of the time. Just a little when I first wake up, but more so after an hour or two. I’ve been trying to eat what I can, when I can, and drink lots of water as much as I can.
My muscles feel weird too… Like they are completely overloaded with lactic acid, even though I haven’t done anything but sleep!
OK, I think that is everything.
Thank goodness this should be over soon!!! Ugh!