Diary – Bad Drug Reaction – 28th July 2013

Note:  I am writing this here for easy access for my medical professionals to read up on what is going on, and how I feel at the time in case it all gets hazy later on.  I’m OK!  I mean, I know I WILL be OK 🙂  I’ve been here before – twice in fact.

So, my psych and GP thought it would be a good idea for me to try an anti-depressant again.  My SUDS have been way too high for way too long, and we need to get them back down again so that I can start to work on stuff and be a functioning human being.  Thing is… I tend to have a bad time on psych drugs.  So we have tried something different.

I took one pill Friday night.  Within about an hour, I was as tired as I have ever been, which was great because I have been having trouble getting to sleep.

Saturday, I woke up about ten.  I was up for a few hours before crashing again.  While I was up, the world felt weird.  Everything was in slow motion.  Everything felt like it’s in a parallel universe that I could see, but not touch (and it still feels like that).  I slept on and off all afternoon, finally waking up (per se) about seven.  I was awake for about five hours.

In the morning, I had breakfast pretty much straight away (something else that has been difficult – usually it takes me about two hours to have breakfast because I feel nauseous when I first wake up).  I ate well during the day, considering how very little I was awake.

I didn’t have any pain medication all day yesterday, except for two lots of aspirin for my migraines.  I didn’t have any other medication at all.

Today, I woke up about nine, and stayed awake for about three hours.  I had breakfast very quickly again (within half an hour of getting up).  I had aspirin, but no pain meds.  Around midday, I went back to bed, and an hour later, I started to get restless legs.  It got unbelievably bad, so I had some pain meds.  About an hour later, it stopped, and I could get back to sleep again.  FYI – Restless legs is a sign of physical dependency on codeine – hence having some even though I wasn’t really in pain at that point.

I have just woken up (8pm), save for ten minutes here and there to break up an argument over Minecraft (lmao).

Needless to say – I am sleeping a LOT.

This whole time, I have also had the weird out of this world experience.  It is slowly getting better (I feel better now than I did this morning, and better this morning than I did yesterday), but still, I feel suicidal (again, less so now than yesterday, and I imagine, less so again tomorrow).  It’s like – part of my brain is saying “I want off, NOW”.  Not to fear – another part of my brain is saying “Grow a set princess, it’ll be over soon enough”.  I know it will pass, but fucking hell…  it really does feel like shit in the meantime.

I feel like I will never be normal again.  I feel like everything will be fuzzy forever.  I feel like there is no hope, like I’m broken, like I’m worthless as a human.  I feel like reaching through my eye sockets and tearing my brain out!  I feel like cutting – anything, anywhere.  I feel like dying is my only way out.  Which is weird, because two days ago, I was stressed (who wouldn’t be in my shoes!?!), but fine!

And god damn, it’s hard to keep my eyes open.

It’s also hard to walk – I’m walking around like I’m tipsy – 48 hours later.  Amazing what one little pill can do to your system.  I’ve stumbled into most of the house now – thankfully we live in a small house with not too many breakables!  It’s all good though – because I also can’t stand for more than about 30 seconds without feeling like I am going to throw up and/or just collapse where I am.

I feel nauseous most of the time.  Just a little when I first wake up, but more so after an hour or two.  I’ve been trying to eat what I can, when I can, and drink lots of water as much as I can.

My muscles feel weird too…  Like they are completely overloaded with lactic acid, even though I haven’t done anything but sleep!

OK, I think that is everything.

NIght 🙂

Thank goodness this should be over soon!!!  Ugh!

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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Posted in Mental Health, Personal

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Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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