Dreams: Intensity and Confusion

I’m still half asleep.  It takes me a good hour or two to wake up each day.  It’s funny really, in some ways.  Like when my GP asks about my circulation issues and whether my hands, that are totally dead in the morning, look white.  I can’t see colours for at least five minutes AFTER the blood has returned to my extremities, and sometimes it takes up to an hour.

I don’t wake up in the morning and go “what a beautiful day!”

I wake up in the morning, feel like I’ve been hit by a mack truck, and go “what the honest to god fuck has just happened to me?”

While I check for dislocations and bruising and lack of circulation issues, and attend to them, I can’t even get my eyes to open, let alone notice (in a dark room) the finer hues of the human body.

After about five minutes, I gingerly sit up and think about the dreams I have had (eyes usually still shut).  My psychologist wants me to write them down, so I try and remember what they were so that I can write them down later, when my eyes are open.  Which never happens, because I either forget what the dream was, or I forget to write them down.  But today, there are no appointments, no rush to be somewhere or get dressed because someone is coming over.  There is just us today.  And while less-salient details may escape me, I have noticed a trend amongst my dreams, most of which whacked my brain like a piece of 2×4 traveling at vast speeds last night.

Heights.  I’m a little scared of them in real life.  In my dreams however, I get severe vertigo from heights and whatever I am standing on gets a lean towards the great falling side, which never has a sturdy railing or anything to stop me from falling.  Due to the vertigo I feel I usually find myself stumbling toward the great falling side with no railing despite trying desperately to back away and go somewhere else.

Usually these height dreams are in the open air in a balcony type situation, however sometimes they involve lifts too.  Lifts that don’t work properly or have a mind of their own, or suddenly grow into the sky like Jack’s beanstalk.

In any case, falling to my death is a big concern in these types of dreams.

Then we have drowning as a main theme.  These dreams are always by the sea and the water incursion is from a tidal wave or high tide.  I’ll be in an apartment having a holiday and look to the window and notice the water is coming up the land in a weird way or something and then before I know it, the ocean is halfway up the windows of the apparently fully air-locked room I’m in.   Either that, or I start running up a hill and it just keeps getting higher and higher.  The other night I had one of these – it was a family affair.  We were renting a house near the water’s edge and the water rose enough to lift the house and float it out to sea while we were still in it.  We somehow got to shore and started running – long story short, BJ ended up stuck in the mud and the kids each held a hand of mine and I made the decision to leave him there and get them to safety.

And it all happened in full stereo and full colour and full everything.  I woke up and mourned the loss of my husband because it was all so fucking REAL.

My water dreams have another kind too, since the floods.  Which involves… floods.  Usually with me on one side of the water and my kids on the other.

Then we have dream type number three – where I collapse.  Usually this means feinting, but while unable to move, I can still hear what is going on and feel people lifting me up etc.  Sometimes though, I actually black out in my dream and time passes and then I wake up again.  Those are particularly freaky, though not as insightful.  Last night, I had a feinting while still aware dream.  I collapsed and couldn’t move or talk or anything (though I tried to), and BJ ended up taking me to hospital or something.  The details are now escaping me.

Except… I remember the feeling.  I remember feeling “thank god”.  “Thank god it’s now that bad that I’ve finally gone over the edge and can close my eyes for a while.  Thank god I can have a rest.  Thank god someone can take care of ME for a bit.  Thank.  Fucking.  God!”

I don’t need a psychologist to analyse my dreams.  They’re pretty self-explanatory.  The height ones are about lacking control.  The water ones have only been happening since the floods, so I’m guessing that I have PTSD of sorts from watching the water come for my house a few times over the last five years (and being in the real life situation of this affecting my kids health and safety – twice now).  And the collapsing ones – well, who doesn’t need a break once in a while?

I just wish they didn’t affect me physically as well.  Seriously – some days I wake up and I am exhausted from running all night in my dreams.  As if life is presenting enough challenges, my brain decides to give me a whole other pretend life that will whack my body as well as the EDS etc…  Like I need more stress and pressure and shit.  BJ and I have often talked about whether there is a drug available that stops you from having dreams.  Thus far, any GP I have talked to about it has just laughed at me.  But seriously…  my dreams are helping to slowly kill me.  I’ve been up for an hour now, and I still feel like I’m recovering from a marathon.

So I guess that covers the intensity part of the title.  What about the confusion part?  Well – I’m fucking confused about what to do about it all really.  How do I fix it?  Where do I go from here?  Obviously things aren’t right and they haven’t been for a long, long, time.  But while I know what one answer is, it’s pretty irresponsible, so I’m trying to find some sort of middle ground, and I just can’t seem to find it…  *sigh*

In the meantime – guess I had better have some breakfast.  And try to get my hip back in.

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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Posted in Autism, Mental Health, Personal
10 comments on “Dreams: Intensity and Confusion
  1. addercatter says:

    I’m the same way… takes at least 2 hours for me to wake up and wait for meds to kick in, put my joints back in place and try to become less stiff so I can just sit up in bed.
    I have the dreams too… strange ones. And sometimes the same nightmare like replaying a movie.

    I have sleep apnea… my dr. Says that could be part of the reason for the dreams. Also the meds I take. Do you have either of those issues? Kat

    • I have severe sleep apnea. I’m still working on getting a CPAP machine that works properly 100% of the time… One was donated and I feel bad that I can’t use it all the time (it’s pretty old) :-/ The other is second hand (I paid for it), not as old, but it’s give and take whether it works on any given night. I really have to take them to the sleep centre and have them checked out but it’s an hour away and we’ve had so much other stuff going on that I haven’t got there yet…

      Meds – I take paracetamol/codeine and aspirin. And I had these types of dreams before I started taking either. I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. I put it down to a rather good imagination. If I sit here and imagine myself in a dangerous situation, my body reacts like I actually am in a dangerous situation (or sad, or whatever – any negative emotion. I can also do happy emotions but not as well or as often – they are just harder to conjure for some reason, probably stress).

      I have heard that certain meds can induce vivid dreaming – so even though it’s not the case for me (likely anyway), then depending on what you are taking, it certainly could be for you.

      • addercatter says:

        I’ve heard of similar cases regarding your emotions. Look up “hyper-empathy” and see if this fits you.

        I have an ASV machine because I have both Severe Obstructive sleep apnea ans Severe Central sleep apnea.

        If I end up getting another one anytime soon, I would be willing to part with the old one… which isn’t even old really, if you’d be interested

        • Yeah, I have hyper-empathy 🙂 And I’m a mimic too… Fun times lol (if somewhat embarrassing when it happens and I don’t realise lmao, like picking up accents I have no business using etc lmao – that was fun when traveling).

          RE ASV machine – if I don’t find a solution first – that would be great. Thanks 🙂 That is really very sweet of you 🙂

          • addercatter says:

            🙂 I know how frustrating it can be… doctors, insurance issues… to be honest, I’m more informed about my conditions because of my own research than all my doctors put together. We have to be our own advocates. Somehow doctors have this stigma of “being in charge”… No. My doctors work for ME, not the other way around. If a doctor isn’t spending the time to research, or listening to me, or helping me come up with options and potential solutions, they get kicked to the curb and I will find someone else who will do those things for their patients

            BTW… I know how to set the ASV settings according to the pressures you need so don’t worry about that!

            • Ahh… insurance… Are you in Northern America by any chance? If so, then damn lol… not because of the machine (can’t use it here – different electrical set up – but still a very nice offer 🙂 ), but that it’s more likely now that we will never meet *grin*. I’m starting to feel that I have found a kindred spirit. 🙂

              I like your attitude re doctors. Sadly, I don’t really have much in the way of options here… there are NO specialists where I live (except a handful that visit and are impossible to get in to as a new patient). At the moment I’m trying to get in to see a neurologist that is two hours away, will charge me (I’ll be a private patient but I don’t have insurance), and I’ll have to pay to stay in the city for two nights as well… BUT apparently she is awesome so it’ll be worth it 🙂 Speaking of, I’d better get my shit together this morning and phone her office lmao 🙂 And get the boys ready for their appointments etc… Just never ends does it?

              • addercatter says:

                Aww 😦 that stinks! I wonder if some sort of converter would work? I do live in the US… Just moved to a small town in Arkansas from Oklahoma City so I know what you mean about long drives to appointments! Where do you live btw? You never know… we could end up meeting someday. Never know what the future holds! ^..^

                • Gympie, QLD 🙂 Nice and sunny and great for visits in winter if you have health problems (otherwise it’s too hot lol).

                  Going to the states is on my bucket list. So maybe lol… 🙂

  2. Mark kent says:

    hello,i get your blog.COULD YOU HAVE M.E.I HAVE ASPERGERS, M.E. LOT HEALTH PROBLEMS.married 13 years.we have 3 children.2,boys.and 1,girl.i take part in a lot lot research from universities.I HAVE LOT RESULTS.ask your doctor if you can have tests for M.E.if you would like too ask me any thing please do.LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU..my e.mail is.mkentdad12@outlook.com mark

    Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2013 03:37:28 +0000 To: mkentdad12@outlook.com

    • First of all – ME is the same as CFS right? I have “friends” with CFS… I tick all the boxes, but as my life is so frigging complicated, it’s “normal” for me to be this tired etc – anyone would be. People with CFS usually have no apparent underlying cause (if I understand it correctly). So… maybe? But I would hate to disrespect anyone who actually has it by saying I do too, if my body is just reacting normally to extraordinary life events (along with overlap of EDS symptoms etc)… does that make sense? In any case – I am fighting to see a neurologist at the moment, so hopefully when I finally get to see one, they can poke and prod and work out what the hell is going on! 🙂

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Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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