All Spaced Out

I just walked from my room, where I was trying to rest, into the lounge room (which is open plan with the kitchen and dining room) and it hit me exactly WHY I feel like shit most of the time.  WHY my brain fails to cooperate when I need it to.

I’ve been stressed for a long time.  We have tried everything to help get my SUDS down, but at the end of the day, my life is complicated and that is that.  Right now though, today, I should be feeling a little bit better.  And I am not.  I should be feeling better because after weeks of appointments piled on top of one another, I have three days at home – free.  I keep willing myself to feel the ecstasy I feel that I *should* feel, but it just won’t happen by sheer will.  There is something standing in the way.  And as I looked around me, I figured out why.

It is because my work is NOT done.  The flurry of appointments may have ceased for a few days, but the work is not nearly over.  My brain is still going with this, and that, and this other thing over here.  There are boxes over there that need to be returned to a charity, and rubbish over there that needs to be taken down to the garage.  Food over there that needs a home in the pantry and over there is some scrapbooking material that needs to be put away.  A form there needs to be filled out – one that involves some time and thought together, and they never seem to be available together.  In there are some papers that mean I have to make some phone calls at some stage.  Back there is a lay-by that my husband picked up that I have to go through and organise.  And then there are all the clothes baskets in our room that need attention at some stage.  The fridge is a mess – I don’t even need to view that for it to now enter my consciousness, for now everything seems to be flooding in demanding my attention.

And the room starts to spin and I feel sick and I sit down, hoping to find some clarity.  None comes.  The noise of my two sons playing or fighting, but always screaming, intrudes on my brain like hot pokers.  And then *snap* – I have a body jerk (myoclonic jerk).  And another and another.  There are so many thoughts, I can’t even tell what thoughts there are – they are all one jumbled mess like someone took all my paint and poured all the different colours into a container simultaneously.  It’s impossible to just pick one thought out without fifteen others coming along for the ride ensuring that no one thing can be dealt with at all.

All there is now is noise.  White noise.  Black noise.  Noise.

I am as good as useless now for hours, most often, until tomorrow.

My husband asks me what I want for dinner, and I think “fish?”  Then it starts, bam!  Fish, ocean, China, chinese food, no can’t afford it Japan is near China oh I used to live there I love cherry blossoms though they make me ill other plants I like are maples but I’ll have to travel to see them too…

Only it all comes out in my head as ‘fish, chinese, Japan, maples…  What the fuck were you asking? I don’t remember.’

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

Tagged with:
Posted in Autism, Disability, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Mental Health, Personal
2 comments on “All Spaced Out
  1. addercatter says:

    That jumbled mind/words thing… tgat happens to me a LOT

Please feel free to comment...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

Topics I Write About
Follow Linda Mad Hatter on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 620 other followers

SBS Insight – Psychopath

Watch Linda on SBS Insight (a bit part, and kinda embarrassing *grin*)

Autism Aspergers Magazine

Linda was a contributor for Autism Aspergers Network Magazine!

GoFundMe

We are raising money to cover the boys medical and disability expenses. ALL funds raised go into their own account, to pay for these expenses. Things such as speech therapy, occuptational therapy, psychology, chaperoned sport and social activities, and special equipment etc. I hate having to do this, but hey, if you don't like it, then give me a job ;-). Please click on the photo to go to their GoFundMe page, and thank you for your time (and I do hope, your generous donation *cheeky grin*)!!!

LindaMadHatter at FaceBook

Click the image and follow me on FB!

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Photo's of our Aspie House life!
I leave my bed for five minutes!!! #CatsLife Shopping for colouring supplies for everyone, then out for lunch... #FamilyDay #AllTheLove Q - "Daddy, what are you doing?" (as he spins the other wheel in the air as the chair is on it's side)...
Dad - "Turning Mummy's chair into a fidget spinner!"
#FunnyFucker 😂
Versatile Blogger Award
Awesome Blossom Award
%d bloggers like this: