I’m not sure how to write this. I have no plan. No definite storyline. I only know that I am sad, and a little pissed off, and unsure of how to proceed.
The last few days I seem to have been inundated with information that people I know to be frauds, or hypocrites, or simply just evil, are doing well in their fields of “disability advocacy”. High positions and awards and just general popularity, are being bestowed to people who quite simply, don’t deserve it. Or at least, deserve for the truth to be told before the public decides their fate.
I know of people who have ruined other people’s careers, and lives. I know of people who speak out against bullying, while engaging in bullying themselves behind the scenes. I know of politicians that have broken the law, and journalists that have helped cover it up. I know of many many many things. Some of these things I have been personally involved in, and some of them I have seen documented proof. I don’t engage in gossip (well, not seriously anyway). As much as I might like to however, I can’t speak out, due to the fact that I have knowledge of these things due to being a writer and an advocate. I may not be a “journalist”, but I am a writer, and I protect my sources. These stories are not mine to tell.
It’s sad to sit by and watch this injustice. I know I’m not perfect, and I don’t claim to be. I know people make mistakes, and that’s fine. I know that none of us ever really know the full story.
But I also know that these people have a lot to answer for before they are placed on a pedestal. My friends look up to some of these people and I can’t even tell them what has happened. And so it is that I come across information from time to time (and more so lately for some reason) that these people are doing well, and I feel like the world has gone mad.
I would really like to get back into advocacy. For starters, it’s great writing experience. It helps people, if not practically, then at least emotionally. It feels good to be using my brain and “fighting the good fight”. Due to not being able to stomach watching these people be adulated however, I simply don’t know how to do it anymore. I can’t speak out, but I don’t know how to just ignore it either. It’s a constant bitter disappointment. Not only the events and people themselves, but my own journey of getting to know someone, and being inspired, and then falling flat on my arse when I find out that these people are not who I thought they were. And not in a “they’re still human” way, but a “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! They did WHAT???” way. Again I would like to reiterate – I’m not talking petty disappointment here. I’m talking – some of these people could do serious goal time if the truth came out!
Some days I wish I could go back in time. While I will always believe that knowledge is better than ignorance, ignorance sure seems appealing at times! The clueless may be clueless, but they’re also usually pretty happy. I’m honoured that people have placed their trust in me, and will always choose knowledge over ignorance, but some days I still wish I didn’t know what I do.
Oh well. One positive to all this is that it makes me appreciate my rather uncomplicated life. I mean, we have our daily complications that come with so much disability in one house, but there’s no lies here. No deception. And with that comes a certain amount of “meh”. A different type of clueless maybe. Certainly, since leaving advocacy groups and that whole culture in general, there has been a rise in my ignorance.
I miss it. Yet I’m really not sure that I want to go back. I’m trying to just do my thing and ignore the rest, however to do my thing well, I really need to immerse myself. Good writers are not born from a place of ignorance after all. Decisions decisions decisions.
What would YOU do???