I’m pissed off. I’m really REALLY pissed off. The Universe can kiss my fat hairy arse.
But before I get into that, I need you to know that this will get ugly. And personal. And detailed. I will write things about my bodily functions that will make you wish you were illiterate.
So if you’re eating, or planning to any time soon, stop reading. Maybe it would be best if you didn’t return to this post at all.
The story starts this evening. I have rectocele. The link goes into some general detail, but for me, it means that I have a “pocket” in my rectum that protrudes into my vagina and therefore, stool gets caught there. It can be “eased” out (and trust me, there’s nothing “easy” about it!) by putting a finger up my twat and pushing back. Which I just did. It took about fifteen minutes to go to the toilet. Yay for me. This was a good day as far as that goes.
My “pocket” isn’t large enough yet to protrude from my vagina and say “peek a boo” to the outside world yet, but it’s getting awfully close. I’m hoping it will last out until the surgery required to fix it actually has more of a success rate than a failure rate.
So for now, I suck it up (figuratively speaking), and let my fingers do the walking as required.
Here’s the thing. Here is where the universe not only fucks me in the arse (literally speaking in a sense) with my pants on, but laughs maniacally while it does it.
I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. So every time I need my “fingers to do the walking”, I partially dislocate the fuckers.
Yeah, like having rectocele in the first place isn’t enough to deal with.
So Universe? Fuck you right back!
You can take your EDS and shove up right up there where the sun doesn’t shine buddy. Take your dysautonomia and your months of not being able to do shit because I’m too “whacked out” from the heat of summer, and fuck yourself with it sideways. You can shove your bloated stomach and the pain that comes with it and swallow that fucker whole and I hope you choke! You can take your dislocations and muscle pains and myoclonic jerks and rotate on them any damn way that pleases you. You might make it hard to breathe and give me chest pains, but I will out-breathe you until the end of time mother fucker. Losing my sight? Pfft. Child’s play. The hundreds of other things you are doing to my body will pale in fucking comparison to the shit that I will reign down on YOUR pathetic arse.
In case you hadn’t noticed dear Universe – I’m all out of fucking gum!
So bring it the fuck on.
Ohhhhh, and just so that we’re all clear here… this applies to any fucking human that DARES try to tell me in some passive aggressive bullying way (and it IS bullying you dumb shit), that I need to stop complaining and suck it up. Such as using phrases like “well, I choose to go out and work/live/have fun/etc”. Good for fucking you. If you can do those things, then you have no fucking idea what I go through, so either admit that and carry a conversation like a normal human being, or shut the fuck up. And stop pretending you’re a fucking “voice”. To be a “voice” your ears have to be bigger than your mouth, and your compassion has to be bigger than both combined. And to be a friend, or hell, let’s aim lower and just go for “human”, you don’t have to go through it, or even get it. But you have to be honest and you have to stop the condescending passive aggressive bullying bullshit.
OK, so writing that here is also passive aggressive and I’ll cop to that. I have no desire to say that to anyone’s face, because even though that’s how I feel, I realise that that is how *I* feel. It’s possible s/he doesn’t realise what effect their words have. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. I went through this shit with them months ago, but this morning, I saw them do it to someone else on a blog (completely unrelated to me), and while I’m telling the universe to fuck off, I thought I’d vent a little about this too. Maybe they need to hear it – but they don’t need to hear it like that. And I don’t know how to be tactful about it any more than I already have been – which obviously hasn’t worked.
Typing it out has done me some good though. I’m feeling much less tense now.
I don’t like being negative. I really don’t. But I guess I figure – I can’t complain that people don’t get it if I don’t explain it to them. So here I am – explaining. In my own way 🙂