My brain works in mysterious ways. There are some things I just can’t control, and I’m only beginning to realise that now.
A few weeks ago, I read a blog. I found most of it to be fairly accurate, relevant and good, however there was one part which I found almost abhorrent. I wrote the author off in my mind – which isn’t to say that I decided I didn’t like her, but more that the internet is a big place and I decided not to pursue her (i.e. follow her blog).
Today I read another blog post that I found really helpful on a personal level. It was about dealing with negativity online, something I have a huge problem with! I realised at the end of reading this post, that it was the same author.
And now I have a disconnect in my brain. Author = bad vs author = good. Do I follow or don’t I?
Of course, I will, because the written word and blogs in particular, are so “spur of the moment” for the most part, that it’s impossible to really tell if something written is an indication of someone’s true nature, or simply their reaction in the moment to something. And this goes for the bad as well as the good side of things. It’s not just the bad temper which may indicate that a perfectly lovely person is evil accidentally – blogs and other online ramblings can also be hiding the calm before the storm. The person who is “forgiving” online but on further reflection in real life, decides to plot murder in retribution.
Anyhoo, back to me. I hate this type of disconnect. Mainly because it shows a flaw in my own personality. For starters, people are not either good or evil. People are always both, just in varying quantities. My friend R no doubt will see this as black and white thinking, and perhaps she is right :). My psych may suggest that it is a natural response to being abused as a child – a “danger alert” mechanism of sorts, and perhaps she would be right :). I prefer to think of it as laziness. Either someone is worth my time (good) or they are not (bad). However you want to view it yourself, I think we can all agree that it isn’t right to put people into boxes. And so I try really hard not to – I fight it all the time – but at the end of the day, it is my default position. It is my natural position. It is what it is.
And I hate that. I hate having a personality flaw. I want to be “perfect” (perhaps a personality flaw in itself lmao). I don’t want an excuse for anyone to be able to tell me that I’m “not right”. I’ve had a whole lifetime of that, and I’m over it. I am tired of feeling bad about myself. I am tired of feeling that I don’t measure up. I’m also tired of constantly checking, not only everything that I do, but also everything that I say, and even everything that I think, to make sure that it’s all “acceptable”.
Today but… today I figured out that I AM broken. I have Aspergers/Autism/ASD/ASC/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit. The very fact that I have a diagnosis means that I am broken. Of course, I am the best me I can be, and therefore I am perfect the way that I am (or some shit). In other words – I like who I am, flaws and all. When it is just me in a room, I have no problem looking in the mirror and seeing the truth. My problem arises when I go out into the world and they see me as broken. When the term “black and white thinking” is largely used as a put down (not by my friend, but by others, who constantly seek to change it, and I’m yet to determine why it’s such a big deal), it is obviously not a trait that you want to have.
In other words – I like who I am, but I hate that other people don’t. My flaws are acceptable to me, but I don’t want them because they aren’t acceptable to others.
And one of my flaws is that good vs bad box I tend to put people into. “Black and white thinking” for want of a better way of putting it.
And I try so hard to be “perfect” and not do anything “wrong” that sometimes I don’t know if it’s ME that is talking, or just my alternate socially acceptable version of me that is talking.
And today, as I was reading this blog post, I realised that I DO have ASD. No surprise there, but of I also realised that this means that there are some areas I find challenging.
And I realised that this is ok.
It’s ok to be a little bit broken. It’s ok to be a little bit different. It’s ok to not be “perfect”. It’s ok to stuff it up sometimes. The point is in how you try and how you deal when things don’t work out. I always try and when it doesn’t work out, I always apologise and make amends as needed and try to learn from it all so it doesn’t happen again in that particular way.
And that is all anyone has the right to ask of me. If they don’t like me after that simply because I’m not perfect – that is their personality problem. Not mine.
I have decided NOT to follow that blog after all. At least for now. Obviously my friends do, so if something interesting comes up again, then I’ll hear about it. For now however, I don’t want to for a few different reasons, and if I did, it would be because I feel that I should, for appearances, rather than because I actually want to. And isn’t doing things solely for appearances, far less than perfect? 😉
I want to be myself. And I am going to try and not be ashamed of being broken any more.
PS – I know that this blog is “messy”. It is barely coherent. I have left it like this on purpose, because this is a true indication of where my thoughts are at this point in time – all jumbled up lol.