This is ASD…

I’m sure this is title is going to become a series – This is ASD 2 and so forth.  Certainly I seem to fuck up enough to give it a decent go…

It’s nearly 6:30 am and I haven’t slept all night.  Not even a wink.  I feel sick and I was that stressed I popped a few ribs and still can’t breathe properly.  Or maybe that is because of stress.  To be honest, I can’t be sure.

I had a social altercation last night.  I said something and it wasn’t taken well.  Maybe they didn’t understand what I was trying to say, or maybe my opinion just sucked in general, but they made assumptions about me that hurt.  A lot.  And to be honest, I got quite pissed off that people who are so wrong, could be so self-righteous.

I used to know a guy like this – he thought he knew stuff.  And then he came to visit us for an hour.  One hour, in our home.  That was all it took for him to see that he didn’t know as much as he thought he did.

And thank goodness he had the balls to admit that to someone who then told me – because it was that thought that kept me going when I was bawling my eyes out and fighting the urge to just curl up and die.

Yes, that is how I felt.  Over a social interaction online with people I have never met.  Ironically, they accused me of being too emotional, among other things.  That is one thing they got right – I am overly emotional.  I don’t apologise for that.  It is who I am.  I don’t throw tantrums anywhere but here (or at least, I try so hard not to – I *think* I am usually ok in public).  My ex used to tell me not to be so emotional the same day he would slam my face into a wall, so yeah – I am a little over being told how and what to feel.  My feelings are my own.  I own them.  I am not going to apologise for having them.

Besides – I am at least articulate.

For the most part.

Anyway, shit happened, and as it’s a private group, I’m not comfortable going into details.  But it ended with me trying a couple of times to explain my position more clearly, until I realised I couldn’t.  There are some things that just don’t translate well to words.  People have to actually see it with their eyes, in the flesh.  Goodness knows it’s not the first time this has happened.  And while I accept that I suck at socialness, it’s not all on me.  Nobody really knows me.  Not even my husband.  Not anymore.  Nobody has the right to make assumptions about why I say what I say – why I think what I think.

The thing is – this keeps happening.  And the common denominator is me.  So I’m guessing that I’m the one at fault.  Except I don’t know what else I could have done.  If I shut up so that people liked me, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed.  And I try so hard to explain my position and be articulate so that this sort of thing doesn’t happen – but I obviously suck at it.

When I first started realising that my physical disability wasn’t going to go away, and the luxurious employment opportunities of fruit picking were unobtainable, I started making other plans.  Other plans that I haven’t shared with anyone, because I would have been embarrassed if they didn’t work out.  I’m not telling you now either, because they’re not going to work out.  I can’t do it.  The whole social thing and me just never did work out.  When I first found out I had ASD, I started hanging with parents of kids with ASD – and that didn’t work out.  This latest rendezvous of souls typing was the last of a few online groups of people with ASD.  Apparently I am supposed to get along better with like-neurological souls.  Apparently I still suck.

*sigh*

I always thought that I could make a difference.  That my experience in crappy life events gave me an edge of having been there, and my intellect gave me the gift of knowing what I don’t know.  All this talent and potential and fate didn’t think to endow me with a little social grace???  Really???

That is just fucking cruel.

Anyway – I don’t know if all this is ASD shit or not.  Maybe it’s just me being average and clueless.  But regardless of the origin of the events themselves – I know that not being able to sleep because I feel so wound up is just not normal.  I’ve done all I can to calm myself down enough to get some shut eye, and after years in and out of mental health, my technique repertoire is quite extensive.  Still, it is now nearly 7 am and I think I may be up for the long haul.  So I am thinking – this is ASD.  I may not be having a meltdown, but my emotions are fucking intense and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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Posted in Autism, Disability, Personal
7 comments on “This is ASD…
  1. It’ll get better you know. The world isn’t very ASD friendly and NTs take that for granted. You’ll get there 🙂 Don’t give yourself too much of a hard time; you’ll go nuts.

  2. Maree Robertson says:

    I hear you Linda, & though I know there’s nothing I can say to change the shitty feeling, maybe it will help to know that a) it’s not (just) you & b) I’m not so sure it’s ASD either, because I too feel the same ever-narrowing circle of capacity to maintain satisfying relationships (I was going to say *healthy* but actually that’s not the issue, it’s that they aren’t SATISFYING, ie nurturing, respectful etc), tho maybe that’s the same thing.
    & I’m pretty sure it is *me* that makes the difference, but I’m not sure I want it any other way.
    Cos what I have discovered is that, the more I understand my own *disability* (whether CPTSD is a disability is another convo entirely, but suffice to say that living with it DISABLES my capacity to engage in the life I would like to), the more I find I don’t have the emotional energy or time for relationships that do me more harm, mostly because the sobering reality is that most people are NOT sensitive or aware enough to not *free skate in their fuckedness* (as my dear friend Leonard RIP used to say), & so I have to narrow my field of vision to work with what doesn’t do more harm as best I can, day by day.
    I know therapists could say that’s avoidant, & I’m learning that perhaps I need to expand my capacity to engage with people on a less deep (aka authentic) level to keep my own capacity to interact intact, but for sure, it’s NOT worth it to (on top of all the other struggles I’m managing, for me this year that’s grief & loss over my partner, home, job, & dog) try to engage with people who REGULARLY seem to not take responsibility for heir OWN behaviour in ways that cause *stress* for me (to put it mildly 😉
    That’s not an *answer* per se, but I do think it’s asking the same question.
    It’s kind of like walking on a sprained ankle, you can do it if it’s necessary, but it doesn’t help in the long run.
    I can understand & forgive & not judge anyone’s (everyone’s) own incapacities, it’s not about that, what I don’t know is, how much/often/easily I can act like oit didn;t happen, cos they’re not capable of addressing conflict in a productive way, ie THEY don’t want to change anything about THEMSELVES.
    Anyhow, maybe that makes sense, maybe not, but I hope you can sift through my personal stuff to find some comfort in knowing, sometimes, it IS because we are less capable ourselves, & sometimes, it’s cos THEY are, & sometimes, it’s both.
    What we choose to do about it though has to be based on our own capacity to process pain and suffering. I’m starting to think that unless THEY have a very clear & acted on commitment to self-challenging their own stuff, I’m not safe to wade around in the soup of interpersonal connection with them. If that means I have fewer close friends, I’m starting to think I’m ok with that.
    Or as the Dalai Lama said once (paraphrasing) before you decided to have someone as an enemy, decide if they are worth it 😉 xm

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Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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