Today is a day of frustration.
Instead of dropping both our children off at school and coming home to deal with my own health and disability and career, I am trying to organise and facilitate my children’s education myself. Now I love the idea of homeschooling, and especially unschooling. I think that these are the best ways for our children to learn, in an ideal world. However I do not live in an ideal world and my family simply does not have the energy or tools to do full on homeschooling or unschooling. Unfortunately, while Distance Education has it’s supports, they are not fully supportive. It is not “school at home” per se. As a home tutor I still have a lot of responsibility. Mostly being awake, which is more challenging than it might seem when my thyroid goes and throws a tantrum. But also being there while my kids are at their online lessons, and doing an extraordinary amount of homework, including things which require special equipment (I need to go shopping, even when I physically can’t…), and special places (“go somewhere where there is sand…” – umm… wheelchairs don’t do too well on sand and I’m not walking at the moment).
Education is a huge issue in our house and I still don’t know how to fix it. All “at home” options require too much from a body that can’t even look after itself, and mainstream simply refuses to take my children’s disabilities seriously.
Never mind that my eldest doesn’t want to learn. He makes negative noises every. single. time. we try and get him to do something in relation to school. Every. single. time. And his negative noises make running your fingernails down a chalkboard seem like the subtle tones of a rainforest setting. Every time he makes that sound, my whole body reacts. Contracts. And then wants to lash out.
Every day, every lesson, we are cried at and screamed at. School is boring. He hates school. He hates us. He is sore, tired, hungry – anything! Everything. Kicking. Screaming. Literally. And then he just refuses. No. I won’t.
You can not force a child to learn.
This is the second week of school and my youngest doesn’t have even have his password working yet. That whole situation is just past annoying and goes into hilarious.
We need supplies, but I am too sore and sick to go shopping. There is no one else that can do this for me at this stage. At any stage. We will just have to go without for now, and fail his class. I can’t afford to get everything at once and order in advance. Plus, it’s impossible to say for sure which activities the teacher will insist on, and which are only for those not attending the scheduled online lessons.
The assumption is that home tutors are not disabled. Or at least, not “disabled”. That is, not disabled in a way that actually stops them from doing the things they need to do in life. Some people are disabled but not “disabled”. Sadly, I am both…
And I am fucking frustrated.
(Please take note – I have received, and continue to receive, a plethora of “advice” in regards to this situation. For some reason, people assume I am an idiot or that they know my family better than I do. I am not, and they do not. We have explored all our options. The only option that would work for us is a private tutor at home, paid for by someone that is not us. This is NEVER going to happen. No department will pay for this. No charity will pay for this. If you think they will – then YOU organise it – so that you can see just how the “system” works, instead of putting your Polly fucking Anna spin on things to make yourself feel better while simultaneously making me feel like shit. Please do not insult me by offering advice. I take offers of chocolate, ice cream, a shoulder to cry on. But in this department of our lives, I do not need advice. Thank you).