I have just woken from a dream (thanks Maxie Cat – next time, use the open back door to come inside yeah? The front door is shut for a reason!!!). So please forgive any spelling/grammatical errors. Ta.
In my dream, I was in the back of a car. My aunt was in front, driving. There was this whole big reason why we were in those positions, but that part isn’t really important. What is important is that we were setting off to go shopping, and I wanted my aunt to pull over for a minute…
“Can you pull over for a sec please?”
Huh? I was confused. Why the hell not?
“Seriously, can you pull over please?”
I couldn’t understand what the problem was. I just knew I NEEDED to get into the front seat, and to do that, I needed her to pull over.
“Look, I can’t even remember now why I need to, but I need you to pull over so I can get in the front seat. PLEASE!!!!”
“Would you pull over? Would you do that? Really?”
“Of course I would! Why wouldn’t I? It’s no big deal. It will take two minutes at most. Of course I would do that for someone. Why wouldn’t I?”
I was crying by this stage. I couldn’t understand at all.
She pulled over, and I got out, and then she drove off and left me there. Alone and crying. The grief so bad, I could barely stand any more.
Actually, previous parts of the dream are relevant. The parts where I was there for her and her daughter. The parts where I thought we were friends. The parts where I thought we were getting along – something I have wanted my whole life, but never achieved.
In real life, last night I tried to help someone on Facebook, and I got slapped for it by someone else who decided she had a right to override my truth. In one sentence, she used three argument fallacies – strawman, black and white, and anecdotal.
Her argument may have sucked, but it was representative of the larger community, both in thought and deed. Too often, all opinions are seen as valid until I voice mine.
I haven’t been on Facebook much lately because each time I open it up and read, I am reminded at how different I am. How I just don’t fit in.
How alone I really am.
How it seems that everyone will pull over for someone else but me.
I was thinking last night about how particular relatives used to bitch that my self-injury and suicide attempts were just my way of seeking attention. Like that was a bad thing. Never mind that I only ever told two people about it, and that one of those people told them – not me. Never mind that I hid it all for years before that first person found out. Never mind that neither suicide attempts nor self injury are about attention, but indeed are about killing emotional pain. And even if it was an out and out attention seeking grab – if someone is that desperate for attention, don’t you think you could spare a little? Do you really think ignoring them and bitching about them behind their back is the most humane course of action? They are a human in pain screaming out for compassion, not a toddler in need of discipline.
(And the toddler by the way? Usually they are needing attention too!)
In other words – what the fuck is wrong with these people? Can’t they just pull the fuck over for two minutes?
It all hurts so much I can’t breathe. I need to cry, but my tears have frozen in place. I was never good enough for my mother. Then I was never good enough for my extended family. And now I am not good enough to be friends with. Or even good enough to have my truth heard.
It stands to reason I wonder if I am good enough to exist.
But I can’t talk about any of this. Lest I be seen as attention seeking. Pfft.
Not that I want to talk anyway. I don’t want anyone to read this and get in touch. Coming to visit last week would have been friendship. Coming to visit after reading this is just pity, and I don’t want or need your pity. I don’t want to be wondering if you are really pulling over for me, or if to just ease your own peace of mind. I have withdrawn into myself and I’m happy to stay there for now. I am not sharing this on Facebook. If only to prove this is not about attention for me. Only a couple of twitter peeps are friends, and they are too busy to read such nonsense, and I have no followers on Tumblr. I don’t think any of my blog followers are friends. Only strangers should read this.
(The lengths we go to in order to prove we are of good character – not seeking attention – because some arsehole decided to make a stupid comment and it really really hurt…)
Rather than talk to me, I hope you pull over for someone else. We all have someone in our life who could do with some love. Share some around. We are all so isolated in this economy we live in – we need to start getting back to living in communities!!! Share your love, if you have any. Pull over for someone today. It only need take two minutes.