I’m “Frazzled”

Frazzled

I don’t place much stock in dream interpretation.  I don’t believe that when you dream of airplanes, it means something about freedom or some shit.  Sometimes though, a dream of mine will be so intense, and so significant, that I do write about it (and have done so before), because I think my subconscious is trying to tell me (or the world) something.

I just woke up from such a dream.  I was at a school, as a student (although an adult – it’s a dream, remember, little of it makes logical sense).  I had just been to a psychiatric appointment the day before, which went well, and missed one that day.  My psychiatrist was there, and asked me something, in a hurt way, that jogged my memory that I had forgotten my appointment completely.  I apologised profusely, and our interaction ended.  I tried to go to class.

For some reason though, I couldn’t.  I ended up at a kids singing class.  They were putting on a show for other students.  One of them, third from the left, started raising her hands repeatedly when they got to the chorus, as if to indicate that the audience should chime in for the background part she was singing.  As the only adult student there, I wanted to set an example, so I did, loudly, and with joy and gusto.  The teacher stopped the song, and started going mad at everyone, particularly me.  This is so out of character for me, I can’t even tell you, but I stood up, went over to her and yelled back.  I didn’t want to get the girl into trouble, so I didn’t point her out, but I did explain to the teacher that we were encouraged to participate, so we did.  And I stormed off.

I ended up with some adult friends (dream friends, no one resembling anyone from real life), and they were about to head off to a class where vigorous discussions were held.  I can’t remember the name of the class now, but it was one word and pretty funky lol.  I felt jealous that this class wasn’t ever an option for me – it was like they had one a lotto I had lost.  They said I could come along, so long as I kept up with the banter expected, but I held back, not wanting to intrude where I didn’t really belong.

I’m not sure if it was the song class, or my friends going to class, or a combination of both, but I snapped.  From then on, I didn’t give a shit.  I didn’t go to class at all.  I ended up crying and there is a part of the dream here that I don’t remember now.  I did end up pissing off one teacher though, when I went into her classroom for some tissues.  She was only teaching one student, and they were in a corner and I didn’t even see them until I was in the door.  I quietly got the tissues and left, but she followed me out, screaming that I had interrupted her class and to get to my own class.  I told her to fuck off, and to go and see Doug, the principal (in real life, the principal at my kids first school), if she had any problem with that.  Doug was actually walking down the hall and heard the exchange.  I had been crying for ages by this stage and had started just staring into space…  The teacher and Doug both left and I sat on a chair outside a classroom and kept crying, still unable to get my mind into gear.  Doug came back and said “I’ve called the department to get you some extra support.  You’re so obviously frazzled.”

He knew this wasn’t like me.  He knew I was having a breakdown of massive proportions.

The dream went on for a bit after that, but in ways not important.  Mostly just Doug talking to me, and me staring off, not able to concentrate on anything and bawling my eyes out.

I need a Doug.  Not the actual man, but someone like him, to call the department and get me some support, because I am well and truly frazzled.  And I’m about to really not give a fuck any more.  For realz.

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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