Failure to Launch…

 

Purple Owl with writing - Failure to Launch

Purple Owl with writing – Failure to Launch

 

So it’s taking me half an hour to get my computer to work each time I try to get on it of late… but that’s not why I haven’t been writing…

And the whole family has been sick this year, including many hospitalisations… but that’s not why I haven’t been writing…

And we have normal (or even abnormal) business of life stuff going on… but that’s not why I haven’t been writing…

I’ve just had a failure to launch…

I just had a dream – I am at school as a student again (though my current age lol), and I realise two of my classmates have received these invitations to Sydney to attend a writing event.  An event for students of high caliber.  An event with limited spots I imagine, perhaps.  Hopefully.  For at least that would make me feel a little better about being thus far not only not invited, but completely ignored altogether.

So I pack up my school books and go to leave.  As I’m leaving another student lets me know the teacher has something for me, but I ignore them, feeling too hurt to deal with anything.  I know there’s no invitation for me.

Alas I am wrong, and the teacher catches up to me to hand me an invitation.  It’s not a Sydney invitation though – it’s an invitation to a local event – a consolation prize.

I storm off, thinking, believing, with all my heart, that goddamn I’m good enough to go to Sydney, if only I was given a chance.  After all, I’ve been too sick to attend school and the teacher hasn’t even read any of my recent stuff!

As my indignation grows, my inhibition shrinks.  I start screaming, informing everyone that if only people would listen, truly listen, to others, that we would all get along a lot better.  That if only we could give each other a chance, then those of us continually pushed down could get up, and have our turn to shine.

I woke up to my cat scratching at the door.  No doubt my little tirade could have gone on for a while – I have a lot of anger and disappointment and angst in me at the moment.  This blog is the first thing I’ve written all year.  I had such high hopes and plans and as with each year before, life just keeps interrupting.  And my life interruptions aren’t cutesy, like normal life events, but tragic shit, like being in hospital, or being in too much pain to move, or whatever.

I’m not sure that the dream really represents how I feel about my writing – I’m also having problems with how the school is treating my eldest at the moment, and I’m not sure how to deal with those issues.  In any event, even if it’s not a direct cause, the dream has certainly made me think of my writing and where I’m going and where I want to go and how I feel about it all.

And I do feel like screaming from the rooftops.  I feel like screaming that I’m goddamn good, and I’m worth the time to get to know…

Not that it matters I guess.  As in my dream, I’d only be screaming to the wind, and it doesn’t care either.

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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Posted in Disability, Personal

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Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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You know it's cold when... you lose your chair two seconds after your bum leaves it... Maxie!  I'm trying to work here!!! Lilly was looking at the oven intently as it cooked the boys dinner...
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