Dear My Husband…

Dear My Husband,

I know we tell each other every day that we love each other.  I’m not sure I have told you lately just how much or why…

I love you to the moon and back.  Not our moon.  Some other moon, in a galaxy unknown to us because it is so far away.  One of the moons there.  I love you to that moon and back.  The infinite moon.

I first loved you when we went to the beach that first time, and you listened to me like no one has ever listened to me before.  I loved you that night when you kissed me and understood when I couldn’t kiss you back.  I loved you that night when we were driving home, and instead of being upset, we talked about our future plans as if nothing had happened.  I love that you didn’t let that destroy our friendship.

I love you for letting me go when I wanted to live overseas.  I love you for allowing me to use your computer to find a job overseas when all you wanted was for my to stay here, with you.  I love you for all those phone calls while I was over there.  For picking me up at the airport.  For forgiving me that little misunderstanding regarding the town gossip about us getting married.  For forgiving that the gossip was ultimately my fault.

I love you for being there, every step of the way, when I got home.  Through the mental illness and hospital visits.  Through the moving houses and towns and cities.  Through the pain that must have occurred as I explored and developed and understood and accepted my sexuality, finally, after all these years.

I love you for trying to date other people.  I love you for deciding that none of those dates were me.  I love you for waiting for me, even though every indication said it was never going to happen.

I love you for not accepting half a relationship when I wanted to have your children, but without you as a partner for me.  I love that you wanted the whole deal, and stood for that.

I love you for loving me despite all my flaws.  Despite all my mistakes.  Despite the fact I’m a gender fluid lesbian.  

I love you for never pushing me.  You let me know how you felt, but not once was there ever a sliver of a hint of a guilt trip.  I always felt free with you – free to be who I was, and free to keep our friendship on my terms, and just – free.

I love you for taking a chance when I thought that maybe we could work as a couple even though I’m a gender fluid lesbian, because when it comes down to it, you are the one I want to grow old with.  I love you for not ever pressuring me to have sex.  I love you for advocating right next to me for gay rights.  I love you for supporting me to express myself in any way I wish.  I love you because I can’t imagine how hard it must be to love someone so completely, who isn’t that into you sexually, and not only allow them to call all the shots, but also be ok with them being public about who they really are.  I love you because loving me is more important to you than what other people think of our relationship.

I love you for not being a macho guy.  I love you for not caring about things just because society says you should.  I love you for being true to who you are.

I love you for giving me two awesome children.  I love you for being the best father they could ever ask for, even though you’re exhausted all the time.  I love you for putting your own needs last all the time.  A friend of mine told me just yesterday that I put my needs last, but it’s not really true.  In this house, that honour belongs to you.  I love you for never complaining that I go out to coffee with my support worker every week, even though it means you and I miss out on presents for ourselves most birthdays and christmas’s.  I love you for never asking for anything for yourself (even though I wish you would!).

I love you for working full time and caring for our child/ren full time and looking after me full time when I became disabled while and after being pregnant.  Parents speak of being exhausted, but they’ve seen nothing compared to you, yet you never complain (and always listen if someone else is!).  I love you for always getting up when our children were babies, and bringing them to me to breastfeed, and for changing their bums all the time.  I love you for staying awake while they were breastfeeding, and I fell asleep, so that you could take them safely back to bed when they were finished.  I love you for never making me feel like I should have been doing more.

I love you for giving up your career when you had to, even though that meant a lifetime of poverty for you.  You could have easily left us, and a lot of men would have, but I seriously doubt the thought ever crossed your mind.  I love you for not leaving even when I ordered you to, when you became so injured and sick at times, and I was scared looking after us was killing you.  I love you for staying even when it got to the point that you had a heart attack!!!  I love you for listening to me whinge about how hard it is, even though it has to be ten, a hundred, or a gazillion times harder for you.  I love you for never once, saying anything that lets on that you have ever felt trapped, or that you don’t want to be here, or that you have given up so much to be my/our carer.  I love you for just accepting things as they are, and getting on with it.  

I love you because you are smart and talented enough to have taken over the world, but you gave it all up for me, and our children.

I love you because you do all the household chores without complaint.  I love you because you insist that I tell you if I want extra things done, even though you are exhausted as it is.  I love you for getting my pills, for helping me wash my hair, for helping me get dry after a shower, for helping me get dressed, for preparing my meals, and for constantly getting me things so that I don’t have to get up and risk dislocating my hip (or something else), or falling down.  I love you for going mad at me when I wait to ask for things because you are busy.  I love you for remembering to freshen up my water bottle.  I love you for taking the kids to school so they can stay where they are most comfortable, even though there are closer schools.  I love you for supporting my wish to return to university, even though that will mean even more travelling time for you as you will need to drop me off as well (and possibly take me to classes – we’ll talk lol).  I love you for supporting all my work and study choices, even when they haven’t worked out, and even when it has meant more work for you (like taking the kids to daycare etc).

I love you for filling my prescriptions, and grocery shopping and picking up the mail, and anything else that is needed, even though walking is sometimes as painful for you as it is for me.  I love you for taking the boys to appointments on your own sometimes, even though you hate doing so due to your own Autism.

I love you for taking chances with me, like buying our house.  I love you for not blaming me when those chances went bad, like buying our house.  I love you for moving to new areas without complaint, which we have done both times because of me (once so that I could take up my dream work position, and once because the climate was better for my health).

I love you for being true to yourself, no matter what.  I love you for the long chats, both with me and with our children.  Educational chats, philosophical chats, any type of chats.  I love you for taking the time to be with us, even though I’m sure you’d rather just go to bed most of the time.  I love you for always challenging the status quo, for never just accepting what you are told.  I love you for using your brain.  I love you for using your heart.  I love you for opening our door to people in need, even when that meant taking someone in to live in our dining room for a few months, something that must have been hard as an Autistic man who likes his privacy, and who didn’t know the person beforehand.  I love you for supporting me when I publically state that I love you, even though I’m a gender fluid lesbian, because you can’t help having a penis, even though I’m not really sure how that makes you feel as a heterosexual man.  I love you for supporting me, no matter what.  I love you for supporting our children, no matter what.  I love you for all the time you put into helping our children, even though I know sometimes it bores you to tears.

I love love love your sense of humour!!!

You are my rock.  You are the one I want to grow old with.  You are the one I want to laugh with, and cry with, and celebrate with, and mourn with.  You were the only man I ever wanted to father my children.  You are the one I want by my side when I die.

I love you so much.  I love you to the moon and back.  I love you for a million more reasons than these.  I love you for a million more reasons every day.

I love you just for being you.

Disability consumer and activist. Pissed off since 1995... Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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Pissed off since 1995. Mad as a hatter since way before that.

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